As February approaches...

Nothing much has happened lately. My dad had his 60th birthday party last Saturday, which was surprisingly good. No one was in a mood and I got sufficiently drunk. Excellent.

I joined the gym today because paying for something will actually make me go. I want to lose some more weight before the Cayman Islands. I'm going again on the 9th of May. I'm very excited, we're going to swim with dolphins!

I'm back at uni and I'm already missing John. It's unreal, I'll be fine and then he'll cross my mind and I'll just shut up and think about him for ages. I miss going to bed and waking up with him. I miss snuggling on the sofa and watching TV or a DVD. I miss laughing and talking with him. I even miss spending 40 minutes in HMV to buy one DVD. I can't wait for the 17th of February when I get to go home and do all those things with him. The simplest of things are the most perfect ones to me. Soppy, I know.

Oh! Our Kathy has decided to live with us next year at uni. I'm well happy. We're practically joined at the hip! She's proper lovely and I wasn't looking forward to not having her in the house next year. But she's staying, so it's all good.

I don't really have much else to say, except that the Preston house is still freezing.

-goes off to find more layers-

Generic title.

I don't actually have that much to write about, but I feel like I need to write.
I would like to say that I'm fed up of my friends forgetting about me. I know they think I probably forget about them because of John, but I still keep in contact. When a friend tells you they'll let you know if they're busy on a day when you're home from uni, but then completely forget to text/call you and you see them on a night out with another friend, it leaves you feeling a little unloved. It also annoys you that you'll go out of your way to see your friends when they ask you to see them, but they don't seem to bother seeing you. I'm starting (well, actually I started a long while ago) to get fed up of it. I don't see why I should have to chase everyone, why I should be the one that always remembers. However, as soon as I don't remember something people start to give me the cold shoulder and won't talk to me. I know I'm biased, but I think that's a little unfair. I know friends can be like this, but all the time? I'm always being let down, but I don't think that they realise how much. I put up such a "I don't care. Whatever" front that they think it's ok to just forget about me. Well, it's not. I do care, especially when you're supposed to be my friends. I go out on a limb and stuff and I'm just not appreciated. Not all my friends are like it at once, but they've all done it to me in the past, even if they haven't realised it. I feel like an forgotten, lonely doormat. If that's even a way to feel.

Other than that, I'm quite happy. My brother is coming home a in a week and it's my dad's 60th birthday on the 31st, which means a party on the 28th. I'm not arsed about most of the people that go, but I get to see my boyfriend, mum, dad, brother and grandma and that's all I care about.  (Maria, you're included as seeing Joe). I have a couple of essays that need doing and I'll crack on with them this weekend. One is due a week on Tuesday and the other a week on Friday. Loads of time. I hope.

Anyway, like I said, I just felt the need to write something. I've already ranted to my mum and John about the friend situation but sometimes it's nice to see it written down. Again, why I wanted to keep a diary. Then I can write it as the feelings emerge from me. I'm up at 8, so I best get going.

Dieting and exercise are not my friends.

Right now, losing weight seems impossible. I know it's not, but I just can't see myself actually losing weight. I feel like shit every time I exercise and I just cry when I look at myself in the mirror. It doesn't help that my boyfriend seems to be doing so well with the losing weight pact we have, but he can afford to go to a gym. I can't. My university gym is so expensive. I'm not a strong runner so it's not even like I can do that all the time either. I know I've got Tae Bo, it does make me fitter, but I get bored. I've downloaded Zumba, but I know I'll get bored of that too. I'm eating healthier, I try not to snack, but if I do it's on fruit. So why don't I feel any better about myself? I still feel like a horrible fatty. I'm going to see Jeremy Kyle on Friday and I don't want to go in case I see myself on TV and I hate what I see. It's genuinely putting me off wanting to go. I'm searching through my wardrobe for something baggy that will hide my stomach. I genuinely am hating myself right now and trying to get fit doesn't seem to be helping. It just makes me hate myself more because of the state I've allowed my body to get in. After all this, I still don't seem to have any motivation to lose any weight. I just think what's the point I may as well just get fatter and fatter. I just never seem to feel any better about myself. Even in the summer when I lost half a stone in a month, I still felt bad. It makes me wonder if losing weight isn't actually the solution to my problem. My problem is me. I need to stop thinking so little of myself. I know my boyfriend thinks that I'm gorgeous and I will forever thank him for that because every so often I look at myself and think "hey, you're not too bad y'know". Never before have I done that. I don't know. Would dropping a dress size make me feel any better? It's so hard. I know losing weight isn't easy, but they could at least make it fun. Or cheap. If I could afford it I'd go back on Slimfast, but I can't. I hope I stop feeling like this soon, because it's really getting me down. I'm only a couple of days into my diet as well. Ah, well, off I go to feel horrendous at attempting Zumba...

Assignments... again.

I have 4 days to finish my next assignment, which I'm no particularly worried about because I've already written over 500 words and it's only 2500. I'm really calm about this essay, which is worrying me because everyone else seems to be panicking about it. Naturally, to calm my nerves and procrastinate I'm doing anything else but actually get on with my essay. I'm writing this, watched two episodes of The Big Bang Theory, made coffee, eaten grapes and bananas and yoghurt and had several glasses of water. Oh, and I've played on The Sims FreePlay on my iPod. Normally, these wouldn't be a problem, but I'd like to get this essay done before I go back to uni so I can print the essay off at home and not have to worry about going to the library to do it. Though I can't see it being that busy right after the Christmas break.

I'm back after a week anyway for Danielle's birthday. I also think that I have the week following that off so I'll come home and do another assignment to pass some time, rather than staying in Preston. I get to extend my time with John for even longer then :)

I've also decided that I'm going to start a diary. Where I just write things down that I'd write on here or just random notions that I have throughout the day. I can also keep memories and photos in there, just so I have something to preoccupy myself when I need a break from my essays at uni. At least then it gives me a break from staring at the laptop screen.

Anyway, I reeeeally need a wee from all the liquids I've consumed in the past 3 hours so I better get off. Then it's back to my essay to see how much more I can get done before John and me go to the cinema to see  Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows tonight :)

Peace out
-runs off to tinkle-

2012 is upon us.

Following everyone else on the planet I have some new years resolutions.

The first is to lose weight, as it is every year. However, this year I am actually going to try.

The second is to stop trying to please people all the time. They don't do it for me, so why should I do it for them?

The third is to improve my self-confidence. I cannot remember the last time I believed in myself, so this year I'm going to work on that.

The fourth, and final, resolution is to be more organised. I know I'm not terrible but I feel if I organised even the simplest of things - like my room, then I might be able to calm down more.

Hopefully, I will be able to stick to all of these and I will feel the benefits. 

Yeah, so not much else. I'm stupidly awake because the last few days have messed up my sleeping pattern. I'm going to go and read a book I've read countless times before and get cosy in my bed. I've not slept in my bed since the 27th of December. I'll miss waking up and going to sleep with my boy the next couple of days. It's been so nice living at his, and we had no arguments which, honestly, surprised me. Either way, it stands in good stead for the future :)

Oh, how I hope I can drift off to sleep.