Dieting and exercise are not my friends.

Right now, losing weight seems impossible. I know it's not, but I just can't see myself actually losing weight. I feel like shit every time I exercise and I just cry when I look at myself in the mirror. It doesn't help that my boyfriend seems to be doing so well with the losing weight pact we have, but he can afford to go to a gym. I can't. My university gym is so expensive. I'm not a strong runner so it's not even like I can do that all the time either. I know I've got Tae Bo, it does make me fitter, but I get bored. I've downloaded Zumba, but I know I'll get bored of that too. I'm eating healthier, I try not to snack, but if I do it's on fruit. So why don't I feel any better about myself? I still feel like a horrible fatty. I'm going to see Jeremy Kyle on Friday and I don't want to go in case I see myself on TV and I hate what I see. It's genuinely putting me off wanting to go. I'm searching through my wardrobe for something baggy that will hide my stomach. I genuinely am hating myself right now and trying to get fit doesn't seem to be helping. It just makes me hate myself more because of the state I've allowed my body to get in. After all this, I still don't seem to have any motivation to lose any weight. I just think what's the point I may as well just get fatter and fatter. I just never seem to feel any better about myself. Even in the summer when I lost half a stone in a month, I still felt bad. It makes me wonder if losing weight isn't actually the solution to my problem. My problem is me. I need to stop thinking so little of myself. I know my boyfriend thinks that I'm gorgeous and I will forever thank him for that because every so often I look at myself and think "hey, you're not too bad y'know". Never before have I done that. I don't know. Would dropping a dress size make me feel any better? It's so hard. I know losing weight isn't easy, but they could at least make it fun. Or cheap. If I could afford it I'd go back on Slimfast, but I can't. I hope I stop feeling like this soon, because it's really getting me down. I'm only a couple of days into my diet as well. Ah, well, off I go to feel horrendous at attempting Zumba...

Assignments... again.

I have 4 days to finish my next assignment, which I'm no particularly worried about because I've already written over 500 words and it's only 2500. I'm really calm about this essay, which is worrying me because everyone else seems to be panicking about it. Naturally, to calm my nerves and procrastinate I'm doing anything else but actually get on with my essay. I'm writing this, watched two episodes of The Big Bang Theory, made coffee, eaten grapes and bananas and yoghurt and had several glasses of water. Oh, and I've played on The Sims FreePlay on my iPod. Normally, these wouldn't be a problem, but I'd like to get this essay done before I go back to uni so I can print the essay off at home and not have to worry about going to the library to do it. Though I can't see it being that busy right after the Christmas break.

I'm back after a week anyway for Danielle's birthday. I also think that I have the week following that off so I'll come home and do another assignment to pass some time, rather than staying in Preston. I get to extend my time with John for even longer then :)

I've also decided that I'm going to start a diary. Where I just write things down that I'd write on here or just random notions that I have throughout the day. I can also keep memories and photos in there, just so I have something to preoccupy myself when I need a break from my essays at uni. At least then it gives me a break from staring at the laptop screen.

Anyway, I reeeeally need a wee from all the liquids I've consumed in the past 3 hours so I better get off. Then it's back to my essay to see how much more I can get done before John and me go to the cinema to see  Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows tonight :)

Peace out
-runs off to tinkle-

2012 is upon us.

Following everyone else on the planet I have some new years resolutions.

The first is to lose weight, as it is every year. However, this year I am actually going to try.

The second is to stop trying to please people all the time. They don't do it for me, so why should I do it for them?

The third is to improve my self-confidence. I cannot remember the last time I believed in myself, so this year I'm going to work on that.

The fourth, and final, resolution is to be more organised. I know I'm not terrible but I feel if I organised even the simplest of things - like my room, then I might be able to calm down more.

Hopefully, I will be able to stick to all of these and I will feel the benefits. 

Yeah, so not much else. I'm stupidly awake because the last few days have messed up my sleeping pattern. I'm going to go and read a book I've read countless times before and get cosy in my bed. I've not slept in my bed since the 27th of December. I'll miss waking up and going to sleep with my boy the next couple of days. It's been so nice living at his, and we had no arguments which, honestly, surprised me. Either way, it stands in good stead for the future :)

Oh, how I hope I can drift off to sleep. 

'tis the season.

The festive season is most definitely upon us and true to my usual style, I am horribly unorganised. I have presents to wrap, cards to write and people to see. I've been at home nearly a week and barely done anything. I've not even found something to analyse for my assignment. Ah well, that can be done next week.

I've been in a terrible mood these past couple of days. I just need to scream or do something that I want to do for a change. I want to spend some time with my boyfriend. Just me and him, is that so selfish of me? I wouldn't mind, but he keeps telling me he's free and then making plans with other people. But, because he's told me that he's free I've not made any plans because he wants me to help him get organised for Christmas too. I just feel a bit like he doesn't realise this. Well, he probably doesn't because I haven't told him. No, I choose to broadcast stuff like that on the internet. Rather than actually telling him to his face.

I should also really be asleep, as I'm knackered, but I'm that tired that I can't be bothered to actually get ready for bed. Ah, I just need Christmas day to come quickly, so mum and dad can go away and I can live at John's and do my work and just relax. It'll be nice.

I was really looking forward to Christmas, but as it draws closer and closer, I realise why I'm usually so "bah humbug" in my disposition when it comes to the festive period. I'll try my best to be jolly....

falalalalalalalaaa.

This world is fucking terrible.

Things happen to people that shouldn't. God, you've got some serious making up to do.

Essay battles.

Yes, I'm battling along with an essay again. I don't feel so stupid with this one though.

Oh yeah, I got 72% (a first) with the essay I was crying over. Happy times.

My current essay is due in in 4 days and I've only got 1313 words left to write, I'm quite proud of myself, I wrote about 900 words in about 4 hours yesterday. Doesn't seem a lot but when you're searching through books at the same time, it's not bad going. I don't know if I'll do as well on this essay, but I hope I at least get a 2:1. I'd be happy with that.

In other news, only 6 days until I'm home for Christmas! I can't wait. Chesnuts roasting on an open fire... well, not quite. Probably more like having a hot chocolate cuddled up on the sofa, but I think I prefer it my way. I just want to see my family and have a ridiculously massive turkey dinner. NOM. Food is by far the best bit about Christmas (and I wonder why I'm overweight). I don't even care, I love food.

I actually don't have much to write about, I'm just putting off my essay which I really shouldn't. I need to get it done, I want to try and write another 1000 words today then I'll have it done for tomorrow - hopefully. I wish I could just avoid everything. I turn facebook off and then get distracted by twitter or tumblr or this! Gah.

Best be off.

PS, our house is like an igloo.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

It's only 19 days until Christmas, what is that about?

I have a week to write my essay and 10 days until I finish university for three whole weeks.

Three weeks without the stress of this house! Then, I get to spend Christmas day with my family before going to my boyfriend's house to spend the night with him. He's the reason I look forward to Christmas, he really is. I get to see all my friends from home and I can't wait, I've missed them all so much. My mum and dad are going away for new year, so I'm going to live at John's for a few days which is going to be so good. I'll do my essay while he's at work, then I'm going to be a proper little housewife and cook for him and keep the house tidy; mainly, so I have something to do when my essay is making me want to throw my laptop at the wall.

I only have a few more presents to buy, which I'm going to get when I go back to Sheffield. It seems pointless buying them here to lump all the way home.

What else? Oh, I spent last night in Manchester with my mum. It was lovely, we spent the day shopping and then we got a little tipsy together and had a McDonald's for tea. Like having a night out with my mum, brilliant.

The only thing that will be missing this Christmas will be my brother and Maria, they're coming home in January for my dad's birthday so they can't come home for Christmas. They didn't last year, but I still miss my big brother.

Until next time, take care.